is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
