i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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