Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
