dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
just found out that she named her cat after me.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
this hospital has no fireball
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
