The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Why is your signature on my underwear?
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Randomize