like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
