Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
