We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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