I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
