I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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