I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
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