When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
