who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
