dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
