I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
