Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
