Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
