When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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