Where is the hickey?
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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