And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
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