She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
