I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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