do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
