the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
