I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
