life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize