My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Randomize
