So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
so much tequila, so little girl.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
