We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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