just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
whose parrot is this?
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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