Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Semen is not good for contacts.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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