The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
