somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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