tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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