Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
