weddingsv make me drug and hornr
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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