Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
