Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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