You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
