I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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