Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
