Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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