I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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