i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
