I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
