Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
so that wasnt chicken after all
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
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