guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
He felt like a one man threesome
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Randomize