I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I'm just crazy horny about you
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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