Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize