new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
