He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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