May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
