dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
You brought string cheese to the strip club
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
