I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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