i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
