i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
