At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
