So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Randomize
