what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
