I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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