rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
