Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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