how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
