well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
