Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
