hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
