im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize