I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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