I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
