You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
